OK, YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT JOSH?
YEAH, I'll TELL YOU A LITTLE.
SECRET ABOUT DRAKE.
HE CAN BE THE MOST IRRITATING
HUMAN ON THE PLANET.
SOMETIMES HE AGGRAVATES ME TO
A POINT WHERE I JUST WANT TO GO
GRRR... YEOW!
I'M NOT DOING TOO GOOD
IN ENGLISH, RIGHT? YOU KNOW DRAKE HATES MY
GIRLFRIEND MINDY, RIGHT?
SO LAST WEEK HE GOES UP
TO OUR TEACHER... >> SO ON SATURDAY MINDY'S
WALKING UP OUR DRIVEWAY...
AND JOSH TELLS HER I SHOULD
HAVE A TUTOR.
AND DRAKE SPRAYS HER WITH THE HOSE!
A TUTOR?
A HOSE!
I CAN'T TAKE A SHOWER WITHOUT
FINDING HIS HAIR ON THE SOAP.
HE PEES... NEAR THE TOILET.
Both: SOMETIMES HE JUST DRIVES ME INSANE.
OOH, HOOKED IT.
[SIGHS]
OK, 200 YARDS TO THE GREEN.
HEY, DRAKE. AAH!
DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOLFING.
YOU CAN'T HIT REAL GOLF BALLS
IN OUR ROOM!
SURE, I CAN. WATCH THIS.
DON'T, PLEASE!
YOU SMASHED MY FRAMED KINDERGARTEN DIPLOMA.
NOW THERE IS NO PROOF!
YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR MY PERSONAL ITEMS.
NEITHER DO YOU. WHAT?
LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY UNDERWEAR.
RED BOXERS IN ONE PILE,
BLUE BOXERS IN ANOTHER?
YEAH. YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR
ORGANIZING THEM.
OK, FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME,
I DON'T LIKE YOU TOUCHING MY
UNDERWEAR. BESIDES, I LIKE THEM
ORGANIZED LIKE THIS.
[GASPS]
NOW EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE A TOURNAMENT TO PLAY.
YOU WILL NOT HIT ANOTHER
GOLF BALL IN THIS ROOM!
FORE!
AAH!
MY LAVA LAMP FROM CANADA... THAT TEARS IT!
DON'T DO IT, JOSH.
WHOOPS.
OK, OK, YOU WANT TO PLAY THAT WAY?
GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PICTURE OF OPRAH!
FINE. OOH, YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT. NO HANDS.
ME AND OPRAH CHEEK TO CHEEK.
YOU'RE THE WORST... YOU'RE THE WORST
BROTHER EVER!
[BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE]
HEY! HEY! HEY!
Drake: WHAT?
IT IS 11:45 P.M.
I AM A LITTLE GIRL.
LITTLE GIRLS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
ASLEEP AT 11:45 P.M.
NOW, THIS IS THE THIRD NIGHT IN
A ROW YOU CLOWNS HAVE KEPT ME UP
WITH YOUR FIGHTING.
[BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE]
HEY!
HERE.
Josh: WHAT ARE THESE?
TICKETS TO THE DR. PHYLLIS
SHOW. YOU GUYS BOTH GO ON
TOMORROW AFTER SCHOOL. THE TOPIC
IS BICKERING BROTHERS. NOW, I'M
GONNA GO BACK TO SLEEP, AND I
DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER SOUND
OUT OF THIS ROOM.
I DON'T WANT TO GO ON
THE DR. PHYLLIS SHOW.
WHY, 'CAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID
SHE'LL DIAGNOSE YOU AS A BIG JERK?
OH, I'M A BIG JERK?
I SAID IT, BUDDY!
YOU'RE A JERK.
J-E-R-K!
[BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE]
[DEVICE BEEPING]
[BEEPING FASTER]
♪ I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT IT'D BE SO SIMPLE, BUT I FOUND A WAY,
I FOUND A WAY, IF YOU OPEN UP YOUR MIND,
IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME TIME TO REALIZE,
BUT IF YOU LOOK INSIDE
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND, OVER YOUR SHOULDER,
YOU KNOW THAT I TOLD YOU
I'll ALWAYS BE PICKING YOU UP.
WHEN YOU'RE DOWN, SO JUST TURN AROUND,
OOH-OOH-OOH, OOOOOOOH ♪
[APPLAUSE]
Producer: EVERYONE STAND BY.
IN 5, 4, 3, 2... >> HELLO, I'M DR. PHYLLIS
TUPPER, AND WELCOME TO DR. PHYLLIS.
[APPLAUSE]
TODAY'S TOPIC IS ON BICKERING
BROTHERS. FIRST I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET DRAKE PARKER.
W-WAIT. WHY DOES HE GET
INTRODUCED FIRST?
WHY DON'T YOU QUIT YOUR WHINING?
IRRITANT.
MY NAME'S JOSH NICHOLS.
[APPLAUSE]
WELL, OBVIOUSLY THERE'S BEEN
A LOT OF BICKERING GOING ON
BETWEEN YOU TWO BOYS. WHY DON'T
YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?
WELL, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I
DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START WITH THIS KID.
CLEAR YOUR SCHEDULE, DOC.
[BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE]
SO WONDERFUL YOU'RE
MARRIED. DRAKE! YOU PROMISED
YOU'D BACK OFF. HOW DARE YOU
MARRY MY WOMAN.
HEY, DON'T GET MAD AT ME.
YOU TOLD ME THIS WAS A FRIENDSHIP CEREMONY.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS.
WELL, WE'RE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS NOW.
I'M... I'M SURE YOU'RE NOT
ACTUALLY MARRIED.
UH, YEAH, WE ARE.
YOU HEARD ME SAY...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WOULD YOU GIVE ME... >> NO!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
YOU'RE A CHILD!
YOUR ROOM?
THAT'S RIGHT... SINCE MY OLD
ROOM IS INHABITED BY AN IMMATURE BEAST.
THIS IS NOT YOUR ROOM.
YEAH? THEN WHY IS MY BED IN
HERE? WHY IS MY GUITAR IN HERE?
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?
BECAUSE THIS IS THE LIVING
ROOM, AND UH... YEAH, LIVING!
MAYBE, BUT NOT FOR LONG.
OK, YOU WANNA TUSSLE?
YOU SICKEN ME.
YOU'RE THE WORST.
I HOPE YOU GO BALD.
I HOPE THEY CANCEL OPRAH.
TAKE THAT BACK!
WHOA!
YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLES?
YOU TOLD ME TO PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLES.
I SAID CINNAMON. CINNAMON!
YOU RUINED MY FIRST BASEBALL GAME.
OH, POOR LITTLE JOSH DIDN'T
GET HIS FOAM FINGER.
YOU WANT A MOUTHFUL OF FIST?
YOU WANT A BUTT FULL OF FOOT?
BRING IT, PARKER.
YOU BRING IT!
WELL, CLEARLY THERE IS A LOT
OF FIGHTING THAT GOES ON BETWEEN
YOU TWO BROTHERS.
OH, YEAH. AND HE'S ALWAYS STARTING IT.
BEG TO DIFFER.
UH, JOSH, DRAKE IS SPEAKING
RIGHT NOW, AND YOU NEED TO
RESPECT THAT, BECAUSE IF YOU
DON'T RESPECT HIM, HOW WILL HE
EVER RESPECT YOU?
YES, JOSH. HOW?
HE'S NOT GONNA RESPECT ME.
HE NEVER DOES.
DO NOT USE THE WORD "NEVER,"
BECAUSE "NEVER" IS JUST "EVER"
WITH AN "N" IN FRONT OF IT.
[MOUTHING WORD]
DRAKE, PLEASE, CONTINUE
TELLING US A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT JOSH.
GLAD TO, PHYLLIS. THE MAIN
THING ABOUT MY BROTHER JOSH IS
HE'S A SPAZ. AND IF YOU DON'T
BELIEVE ME, LET ME SHARE A FEW
MEMORIES WITH YOU.
PARENTS WILL LOVE ME,
SO I WILL NOT BE NERVOUS.
REALLY? 'CAUSE MOST PEOPLE
I KNOW PUT THEIR UNDERWEAR ON
BEFORE THEIR PANTS.
I GOTTA GET A HAIRCUT.
PYOOKA'S COMING! OW!
I'M COMING! WHOA!
DON'T WORRY, HELEN!
JOSH IS COMING! WHOA!
[MUMBLING EXCITEDLY]
AAH, AAH!
SO YOU SEE WHAT I'M DEALING
WITH HERE? I'M TELLING YOU,
IT IS NOT EASY HAVING JOSH FOR A BROTHER.
OH, AND YOU THINK YOU'RE
A WALK THROUGH A FRESH MEADOW?
SEE? WHO SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT?
YOU HUSH. THIS IS MY TIME.
NOW, YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
AGGRAVATING? LET ME TELL YOU
A COUPLE STORIES ABOUT MY BROTHER DRAKE.
SO YOU TURN THE MAGNET ON
BY PRESSING THIS RED BUTTON?
OW. TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
TURN IT OFF!
OK, SO HOW DO WE BUY SOME?
CAN'T. SAYS HERE THEY'RE ONLY
AVAILABLE IN SOUTH AW-MER-EECA.
WHAT?
SOUTH AMERICA!
OH.
OOH, UH, WE SHOULD PROBABLY
PUT THAT FIRE OUT FIRST.
ON IT.
NOT THAT WAY!
Robot: POR FAVOR.
NO!
Robot: POR FAVOR.
NO!
Robot: POR FAVOR.
ALL RIGHT.
WE FREEZE HER. YEAH, YEAH.
THEN WE THAW HER OUT, LIKE,
300 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE.
OH, MAN, SHE WILL BE SO FREAKED OUT.
FREEZE HER.
YOU DIDN'T REALLY WRITE THAT DOWN...
NO!
[GRUNTS]
Man on television: PUSH IN.
HOLD IT. HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
AAH! OW! OW! OH!
YOU WRECKED MY DINNER,
YOU WRECKED MY $100 ICE
SCULPTURE, AND YOU WRECKED MY RELATIONSHIP!
YOU SPENT $100 ON ICE?
RAAH!
AND THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE LIVING
WITH DRAKE IN YOUR LIFE.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, WE ARE GOING
TO BREAK FOR OUR COMMERCIAL NOW.
AND DURING THAT TIME, DRAKE AND
JOSH, I WOULD LIKE YOU BOTH TO
THINK ABOUT HAPPIER TIMES THAT
YOU'VE SHARED.
LIKE BEFORE HE MOVED INTO MY LIFE?
YOU SEE WHAT HE DOES?
YOU ALL SAW IT.
OH, GIVE IT A REST JOSH.
YOU KNOW WHAT... [BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WELCOME BACK. I'M DR.
PHYLLIS. AND THE SUBJECT WE ARE
TACKLING TODAY IS BICKERING
BROTHERS, WHICH IS WHY I HAVE
DRAKE AND JOSH HERE... 2 BROTHERS
WHO LATELY HAVE BEEN DOING MORE
THAN THEIR FAIR SHARE OF BICKERING.
I DO NOT BICKER. I JUST
RESPOND TO HIS ABNORMAL, IRRITANT BEHAVIOR.
[SCOFFS] YOU'RE THE BICKERER.
LIAR!
OK, BOYS, NOW, I FIND THAT
WHEN THERE IS TENSION BETWEEN
2 SIBLINGS, SOMETIMES THAT
TENSION CAN BE COMING FROM ANOTHER SOURCE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SHOCKER.
WHAT I'M ASKING YOU IS IF
THERE MIGHT BE SOMEONE ELSE IN
YOUR HOUSEHOLD THAT CAUSES YOU GUYS STRESS?
Both: MEGAN.
Josh: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[MEGAN SCREAMS]
[DOGS BARKING]
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, I WAS JUST OUT HERE
TRYING TO LEARN ABOUT SPACE, AND
DRAKE AND JOSH PUSHED ME DOWN.
WHAT?
WE DIDN'T PUSH HER DOWN.
OH, RIGHT. I JUST DECIDED
TO LIE DOWN IN THE GRASS AND SCREAM.
FIRST I WILL TAKE THIS BEAKER
OF SODIUM SULFIDE AND POUR IT
INTO THIS JAR. NOTE HOW
THE COLOR CHANGES WHEN I POUR
THE SODIUM SULFIDE INTO...
[CHILDREN COUGHING]
STRIKE 3, AND YOU'RE OUT.
[DRAKE SNORING]
Watch: STEREO ON.
AAH!
AAH! MEGAN, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I WANT MY PERUVIAN PUFF PEPPERS.
IS THAT A BAND?
I'M AFRAID I'M NOT FAMILIAR
WITH THEIR WORK.
YEAH, AND I'M AFRAID I'M
GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
I WANT MY PERUVIAN PUFF PEPPERS!
[JOSH SCREAMING]
WHAT UP WITH THE TIE?
I'M JUST GETTING READY
FOR MY BIG DINNER WITH MINDY'S
PARENTS TONIGHT.
OH, YEAH? YOU NERVOUS? WHAT
IF THEY THINK YOU'RE A BOOB?
I DO.
GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
I DON'T THINK SO, MEGAN.
IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
RUN UP TO YOUR... HEY!
WHAT THE... MEGAN, YOU CAN'T JUST
FLIP SOMEONE... YEOW!
I AM YOUR TEACHER, AND YOU
WILL SHOW ME SOME RESPECT.
[BEEPING]
HAPPY?
NOW, FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT AN 11-YEAR-OLD GIRL DID
ALL THOSE THINGS TO YOU.
WELL, IT'S TRUE.
YEAH, YOU WANT TO SEE
THE SCARS AND BRUISES?
NO, THANK YOU. NO, WHAT I'D
LIKE YOU TO DO IS TRY A PHYSICAL
EXERCISE. IF YOU COULD TURN AND
FACE EACH OTHER...
NOW TAKE EACH OTHER'S HANDS.
EW.
GROSS.
TAKE EACH OTHER'S HANDS.
GOOD, GOOD. NOW, I WANT YOU
TO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THINK
BACK TO A TIME... >> OW! HE PINCHED MY PALM!
DRAKE!
I DID NOT! OW! OW!
HE TWISTED MY THUMB!
BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!
[BOTH SCREAM]
BOY! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!
Josh: I'll GET YOU FOR THAT!
STOP IT! BOYS, STOP!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BOYS!
NOW... NOW JUST STOP IT!
IS THIS HOW YOU TWO DEAL WITH
YOUR PROBLEMS... WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE?
WELL... >> ON RARE OCCASIONS.
THAT FINGER SHOULD BELONG TO ME.
YEAH? WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE
IT. YOU KNOW WHY?
WHY?
'CAUSE I'M NUMBER ONE.
RAAH!
[BOTH SHOUTING]
HA! HA!
[BOTH SHOUTING]
TIME OUT!
AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE YOU A TICKET, SON.
NO, SIR, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO GIVE ME 2 TICKETS.
WHAT FOR?
ONE FOR THE FAULTY
TAIL LIGHT, AND ONE FOR THIS!
[BOTH SHOUTING]
[HORN HONKING]
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
WHAT IS IT, DRAKE?
OK, I CAN'T DO THIS IF HE'S
GONNA TALK LIKE THAT.
I'M BEING A GIRL.
WHAT GIRL HAS A MOUSTACHE,
OTHER THAN YOUR GRANDMOTHER?
THAT TEARS IT!
AAH!
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
[JOSH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
UNBELIEVABLE.
Both: I KNOW.
BICKERING IS ONE THING,
BUT YOU TWO SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF
YOURSELVES FOR ALLOWING IT TO
ESCALATE TO PHYSICAL CONFRONTATION.
NO! I WILL NOT SHARE
THE BLAME HERE. I AM THE VICTIM
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
OH, HOW ARE YOU THE VICTIM?
YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.
HA!
DRAKE, COME ON, HONESTLY,
DO YOU EVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF
JOSH JUST A LITTLE BIT?
WELL... >> NOT JUST ME. HE TAKES
ADVANTAGE OF EVERYONE.
OH, NAME ONE TIME.
OK, UH... THAT GIRL LIZA.
HOT LIZA?
YEAH. YOU TOTALLY DATED HER
JUST TO GET YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND BACK.
OH, THAT'S AN EXASPERATION.
EXAGGERATION! READ A BOOK, WOULD YOU?
NO!
JOSH, TELL ME A LITTLE BIT
MORE WHAT WENT ON BETWEEN DRAKE
AND THIS GIRL HOT LIZA.
GLAD TO. SEE, DRAKE HAD JUST
BROKEN UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND
TORI, BUT HE WANTED HER BACK.
SO HE THOUGHT HE'D TRY TO MAKE
HER JEALOUS BY MAKING OUT WITH
THIS HOT GIRL NAMED LIZA.
DRAKE, IS THAT STORY TRUE?
WELL, YEAH, BUT I TOTALLY
LEARNED MY LESSON. 'CAUSE LET ME
TELL YOU, LIZA TUPPER... WORST KISSER EVER.
I HAVE HEARD THAT.
LIZA TUPPER?
YEAH. AND SHE'S NOT EXACTLY
THE SMARTEST WONTON ON THE
PUPU PLATTER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
YOU'RE SAYING SHE'S DUMB.
AND A VERY BAD KISSER.
LIZA TUPPER HAPPENS TO BE MY DAUGHTER.
OH! WELL, AHEM, THIS IS AWKWARD. OH! OH!
JOSH, GET HER OFF OF ME!
SHE'S KILLING ME!
[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OW!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Josh: GO TO COMMERCIAL!
GO TO COMMERCIAL!
OH, THAT WAS AWESOME.
WE GOT INTO A STREET FIGHT WITH
DR. PHYLLIS RIGHT ON HER SHOW!
INSANITY. HEY, I'M GONNA GRAB
A DRINK. YOU WANT ONE?
YEAH, SURE. MAN, SHE ALMOST
CRUSHED YOUR NECK WITH THAT SCISSOR LOCK.
I KNOW! HEY, MOCHA COLA COOL?
YEAH, PERFECT. YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY BUGGED ME ABOUT BEING ON HER SHOW?
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
SHE ONLY MADE US TALK ABOUT THE
BAD TIMES BETWEEN US.
YEAH. WE'RE NOT ALWAYS FIGHTING.
NO WAY.
WE DO NICE STUFF FOR EACH OTHER.
TOTALLY.
SHALL WE REMINISCE?
LET'S.
MAN, IT'S LINCOLN. YOU'RE GONNA
GET MURDERED OUT THERE.
YEAH, PROBABLY, BUT I CAN'T
LET MY TEAMMATES AND THE WHOLE
SCHOOL DOWN. I GOTTA DO THIS.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JOSH?
YOU'RE PRETTY COOL.
THE COOLIEST?
DON'T RUIN IT.
DUDE, YOU SHOULD DATE WHOEVER
YOU WANT TO DATE. YOU KNOW?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS.
BUT... BUT YOU... >> SO I DON'T LIKE HERE.
BIG DEAL. I DON'T LIKE HALF
THE GIRLS I DATE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MY BROTHER,
JOSH. IF SHE MAKES YOU HAPPY,
THEN I'M HAPPY.
I JUST THINK THAT BEING SAMMY'S
BIG SIBLING MEANS A LOT MORE
TO JOSH THAN IT DOES TO ME.
SO YOU FAKED PANCREAS TROUBLE
TO MAKE JOSH FEEL GOOD?
YEAH.
MR. TALBOT, UM, THE PRINCIPAL
WANTS TO SEE DRAKE RIGHT AWAY.
VERY WELL. DRAKE, YOU MAY GO.
YES, SIR!
WHY DOES THE PRINCIPAL WANT TO SEE ME?
HE DOESN'T.
I LOVE YOU.
I KNOW.
Both: HUG ME, BROTHER!
HUG ME, BROTHER!
NOW HUG ME, BROTHER!
QUICK ONE?
Both: YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, A TOAST...
TO THE BEST BROTHER I HAVE EVER HAD.
BACK AT YOU, BROTHER.
UGH! THIS IS DIET.
HERE, SWITCH WITH ME.
NO, YOU ALREADY TOOK A SIP.
SO?
SO I DON'T WANT TO DRINK YOUR BACKWASH.
DON'T BE SUCH A PRISS.
I'M NOT A PRISS.
THEN SWITCH WITH ME.
NO!
COME ON, MAN, YOU KNOW I HATE DIET.
ARE YOU REALLY GONNA GET MAD ABOUT THIS?
[BOTH SHOUTING]
[DEVICE BEEPING]
[BEEPING FASTER]
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
[ CAPTIONING INSTITUTE. www.ncicap.org... ]
WHAT IS THIS,
SOME NEW KIND OF BOOB DANCE?